The Elegant Art of Pranking
by InkstainedHands1177
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant gets his revenge. ((I do not know the Skulduggery Pleasant book series or any of the characters.))
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: The Wig

Valkyrie stared at it. She lifted her hands and screamed. Her father just smirked.

"Are you sure you want to continue this?"

Valkyrie looked at her father and growled out a yes. "All I need is a prop the size of a head…" She drifted off and her eyes widened. "I have an idea." She grabbed the item and raced to her room.

Placing the stuff on her desk she headed straight for her cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

She took a breath. "I'm in a bit of a situation. Can you get over here ASAP? It's an emergency of sorts."

There was a pause. "Of sorts?"

She stifled a sigh. "Perhaps. Definitely. Most assuredly. Yes."

"Not exactly the most affirmative answer." She could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Just get in here! I need your help!" She glanced at the item on the desk. "Actually, your assets."

"…assets? Isn't that what people sometimes describe for a woman's-"

"Mr. Pleasant, get into your bloody car, and hurry up!" She hung up on him.

Sitting down, she tapped her fingers as she waited for him. Ten minutes later he climbed through the window.

She smiled. He hesitated. He didn't like that smile. She circled around him. "Hat."

"What?"

She motioned at her head. "Hat. Off."

He took his hat off and set it on her bed.

She closed the window and tutted. "Seven years bad luck you know."

"Is there a point to all of this?"

She grinned again. "Oh definitely. You have, most definitely, saved my life." She locked the window. "By the way, my parents are downstairs so don't make a ruckus."

She could practically see him raising an eyebrow. "And why would I do that?" He started edging away from her.

She noticed and whipped out her hand to grab his wrist. "Come, Mr. Pleasant, it isn't like you to run from a challenge. I only need to borrow it. Just for a little while."

He took in the state of her room. Messy like always. He saw the item on the desk. He made a small noise in his nonexistent throat and bolted for the window only to freeze.

Valkyrie made a light laugh. "It's a good thing you taught me Air magic. Comes in handy for restraining run away skeletons."

"Stephanie Valkyrie Cain Edgely, you will let me go this instant."

She snickered. "Not bloody likely." She reached and snatched his head right off. Grabbing the wig she bolted for her door. She could hear him tearing after her, running into things. She ran straight into the living room. He, a headless skeleton, couldn't go after her. She could hear him cussing a blue streak. She giggled.

"Mom! Dad! I found the perfect model!"

Desmond Edgely stared at the skull. "It looks like it's glaring at you."

Valkyrie did a double take at the skull. "It…does…" She gulped. She placed the wig on it and started cutting it to match the character she had to play in the costume party the Edgely's were giving at Gordon's house. Her house, actually. She giggled and took a picture of the wig on Skulduggery's head.

When she made the last snip, she realized that Skulduggery might still be up there. _Of course he's still up there, idiot! He's not going to go around without his head._ This thought made her giggle even more. She shook off the humor and stood up. Walking slowly to the stairs she looked up. She gulped. _No way. That's probably a trap. Knowing him, he's all set to ambush me._ She slipped out the back way via the kitchen and started running to the pier.

She started running the second she heard Skulduggery's soft footsteps behind her. Knowing that this was the only way to escape, she kept on running making a loop back to her house. Valkyrie threw the skull over her head.

"Thank you for the use of your head, Skulduggery! It proved quite useful in the making of my costume wig!"

She heard him jump and catch it. Glancing back quickly she saw him polish it and pop it back on. He twisted his neck experimentally and then turned to see her standing on her back porch, ready to flee again.

Mockingly shaking his fist, he shouted at her. "Valkyrie, dearest partner of mine, this is war." He said it so calmly, and so simply. She laughed.

"Bring it on, Mr. Pleasant! I'll be ready!"

"I highly doubt that." He climbed into the Bentley and drove away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: And He Got an Idea, a Perfectly, Wonderful, Awful Idea

Ghastly stared at Skulduggery. "She did what?"

The detective sighed explosively. "I told you! She stole my head and then used it to model her wig with!"

Dexter exploded with laughter, actually falling to the floor. Skulduggery looked at him. If he had eyes, they would have been filled with disdain.

Ghastly tried and failed to hold back a few chuckles. "Why are you telling me this?"

Skulduggery tilted his head. "I need your help to get back at her."

Dexter popped back up from the floor. "Revenge on your own partner, Pleasant? How unlike you!"

"I told her that this was war."

Dexter smiled. "Before you do anything else, maybe you should shrub off that mustache she drew on your skull."

Skulduggery raced to the closest mirror. He started cussing up a storm. Valkyrie walked into Ghastly's shop at that moment. Fletcher was with her.

She heard the cussing and raised an eyebrow. "Is that my unflustered partner?"

Dexter chuckled. "Yep. He found the mustache."

Skulduggery walked in with as much dignity as he could muster. The mustache was scrubbed off, but his pride was bruised. He had seen Mist and Erskine with it on.

"Miss Cain, care to explain your most recent actions?" He sounded like a high class noble.

Valkyrie smiled. "Just thought that you might have missed having facial hair."

Ghastly chuckled. "Even back then he couldn't grow a five o'clock shadow."

Skulduggery sniffed. "I could to. It was a perfect five o'clock shadow."

Dexter made a show of shaking her head at Valkyrie and Fletcher.

Skulduggery sniffed and left the shop with a slam of the door. Ghastly shook his head. "Be careful, Val, he's not the type of person to start a prank war with. That's how Dexter became afraid of frogs, and Saracen could never eat cheese again."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "One, I am not Dexter and Saracen. Two, you _will_ tell me those stories some time soon."

He chuckled. "I will. And good luck, Val." He sighed. "You'll need it."


	3. Chapter 3

**This is from an old comedy sketch called 'Who's on First'. I do not own it. It was made popular by two comedians name Abbott and Costello. I beg you to look it up on YouTube. They are hilarious!**

 **Ink…**

Chapter Three: Who is the Murderer?

Skulduggery called Valkyrie into his den. "Erskine's given us a list of criminals to interrogate." He made sure to keep his posture completely innocent. He thanked all his centuries of life that taught him how to act so convincingly.

She nodded and continued munching her pizza. "What're their names?"

Skulduggery leaned his head back, holding back his maniacal laughter. "Who is the murderer. What is the burglar. I Don't Know is the arsonist."

Valkyrie stared at him. "You're in charge of the interrogation, right?"

"Yes." His voice perfectly calm.

"You'll be the one asking the questions, too?"

"Yes."

"And you don't know their names?" Her eyes were filled with shock. Usually Skulduggery was so fastidious about his job.

Skulduggery tilted his head in astonishment. "Well, I should." He sounded insulted.

She shook her in confusion. "Well then, who's the murderer?"

"Exactly." He sounded matter of fact about it.

Valkyrie tried not to growl. "I mean the jerk's name!"

"Who."

"The murderer."

"Who."

"The guy who goes around killing people!"

"Who."

"The guy that-"

"Who is the murderer!" Skulduggery sounded frustrated at her. It was as if he was discouraged by her lack of understanding.

Valkyrie kicked his desk. "I am asking _you_ who's the murderer!"

Skulduggery nodded, almost sagely. "That's the man's name."

Valkyrie held back a scream of frustration. "That's who's name?!"

"Yes."

She crossed her arms. "Well go ahead and tell me!"

Skulduggery shook his head despondently, inwardly trying not to crack up. "That's it."

She stared at him. "That's who?"

He nodded. "Yes."

She changed her stance. Clenching her fist slightly, she counted to ten and then back to one. Taking a deep breath, she spoke. "Look, you said that there was a murderer?"

Skul nodded. "I did."

"Who's the murderer?"

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. "That's right!"

She breathed through her nose. "When he is incarcerated, who will be thrown in jail?"

Skulduggery nodded. "For ten years."

Valkyrie stared at the ceiling, trying her hardest not to rip him apart. "All I'm trying to find out is the murderer's name."

Skulduggery nodded, as if that was an understandable thing to do. He answered. "Who."

She sighed. "The guy that's thrown in jail?"

He tilted his head in a smile. "That's it."

"Who get's ten years?"

"Every minute of it. His wife will be allowed to visit of course."

She stared at him. "Who's wife?" Her eye was twitching.

"Yes."

They stared at each other. There wasn't a sound, just the clock ticking away on the mantelpiece and Valkyrie's heavy breathing.

Skulduggery took in Valkyrie's appearance and cocked his head to the right. "What's wrong with that?" He wished he had a camera.

Valkyrie pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. "Look, Skul, all I wanna know is when the jailer fills the record books, how does he sign the murderer's name?"

"Who."

Valkyrie stared at Skul as if he had lost his nonexistent mind. "The guy."

"Who."

"What name does the jailer write down?"

"Who."

She slumped into the extra seat. Skul was testing her. This had to be a test of some sort. He couldn't be doing this just for cruel and unusual entertainment. He wasn't like that…he wasn't sadistic…was he? Honestly, she was surprised she had stayed calm for so long. She looked up at him. He seemed genuinely confused as to what the problem was. Her brain replayed the conversation. She shook her head. She still didn't get it. What was the murderer's bloody name?!

"The jailer puts whose name in the charts?"

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. "You've finally got it. Yes, he does."

"Who?"

He nodded. "Yes."

She jumped up and screamed at him. "ALL I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT IS WHAT'S THE MURDERER'S BLOODY NAME!"

Skulduggery sighed and shook his head. "No, Val, What is the burglar."

She howled. "I'm not asking you who the burglar is, you numbskull!"

He sighed. "Let's keep insults out of this shall we? Who is the murderer, not the burglar, Valkyrie. Try and keep up. I thought you were more intelligent than this."

She summoned fire. "I _am_ intelligent! Now! One criminal at a time!"

He stared at the fire in her hands. "You're the one that's changing the criminal's names around, not me." He was never so glade that his skull didn't have expressions. This was priceless revenge.

The fire blazed hotter. "I'M NOT CHANGING NOBODY AROUND!"

Skulduggery eased away from the fireball. "Take it easy, Val."

She hissed out a sigh and extinguished the fire. "I…I'm only asking you once. Who is the murderer?"

He sighed. "Exactly right."

She stared at him. Her expression was one of murder. "Okay…" He could tell that she was planning his second death. It somehow involved a stapler gun, beef jerky, a dog, and a pair of roller skates. He shuffled in his seat to try and hide his obvious enjoyment of her predicament. He glanced at the official looking document. It only had one word scrawled on it. _Revenge_. Oh, yes, revenge was sweet.

She took another deep breath. "What is the murderer's name?"

Skulduggery groaned. "Nooo! What is the burglar's name."

She screamed obscenities at him. "I'M NOT ASKING WHO IS THE BURGLAR!"

He leaned away from her. Keeping his voice as calm as possible, he spoke. "Who is the murderer, Valkyrie."

She glared at him. Her voice was low and menacing. "I. Don't. Know."

He sighed. "That the arsonist, we're not talking about him."

That pulled her up short. "How did we bloody get to the bloody arsonist?!"

He tilted his head in a smile, which was really a smirk. "You mentioned his name!"

She gave him a beady eyes glare. "If I mentioned his name, who did I say was the arsonist?"

Skulduggery groaned. "No, Valkyrie, who is the murderer…"

"What is the murderer's name?"

"No, what is the burglar."

"I don't know!"

"He's the arsonist!"

She threw her hands up in the air. "There I go, back to the arsonist again!"

They stared at each. Skulduggery started organizing his papers. She sat gingerly down on her seat again, but she didn't break eye contact with him.

She spoke with care. As if one little thing would set her off. "Would you just stay on the arsonist, and don't talk about the other criminals?"

He nodded. "Alright. What do you want to know?" He steepled his hands together and leaned onto his desk. She sighed and slumped further into her chair. Her pizza, long forgotten, sitting innocently on the table beside her.

"Who is the arsonist?"

Skulduggery shook his head sadly. "Why do you keep insisting that Who is not the murderer?"

"What is the arsonist's name?"

"No, Val, What is the burglar!"

"You don't want _who_ to be the burglar?" Her eyes shined. She might be getting her answer!

Skulduggery just shook his head. "No, Who is already the murderer! You can't ask them to change their vocations, just because you don't like how they're named! Now Valkyrie, listen to me. Who is the murderer!"

She glared at him. "I DON'T KNOW!"

He was about to speak. She beat him to it.

"Arsonist!" They both spoke in unison. She groaned and stared at him, and stared at him, briefly considering if she should break his vertebrae.

Deciding to take a break from the first three criminals, she changed tack. "Look, Skul, are we going to interrogate a jewel thief?"

"Yes. She's on the list."

Valkyrie nodded. "And the jewel thief's name is…?"

He stared at her. "Why."

Her eyes widened. Skulduggery had never been so brusque with her. "I just thought I'd ask you!" She hissed at him.

He sighed. "And I just thought I'd tell you! Stop being so cranky, Valkyrie!"

"THEN TELL ME WHO IS THE BLOODY JEWEL THIEF?!" Her throat hurt, but she didn't care.

Skul groaned. "Valkyrie, Who is the murderer!"

She wanted to crack his cranium. "I'm not talking about him! Keep off of the first three criminals! Now tell me! What is the jewel thief's name?"

"No! What is the burglar!"

"I'm not asking you who is the burglar!"

"No. Who is the murderer!"

"I don't know!"

""Arsonist!"" She shouted as he spoke it. He shook his head. She started eating the cold pizza in order to stop herself from setting his hat on fire.

After she downed the slice of pizza she cleared her throat.

"Look, we are going to interrogate the jewel thief, so we need to know her name."

"Why."

She glared at him. "Because!"

Skulduggery looked up from his paperwork. "That's the anarchist that was just arrested."

She took a breath. She was not going to kill him. She was not going to kill him. She was not going to kill him.

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"You have a forger on the interrogation list, right? The name of the forger is…?"

"Tomorrow."

She blinked. "You don't want to tell me now?"

"I'm telling you now!"

"Then go ahead!"

Skulduggery was about to loose his self control. He really should get an award for this performance. "Tomorrow!"

She held back a howl of rage. "What. Time."

Skulduggery cocked his head at her in confusion. "What time what?"

"WHAT TIME TOMORROW ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHO IS THE FORGER!"

Skulduggery sighed and stood up. "Valkyrie, Who is the not the forger!"

Her eyes turned red. "I'LL BREAK ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY IF YOU SAY WHO IS THE MURDERER!" She clenched her fist and refrained from denting his desk. "What is the forger's name?"

"What is the burglar." He seemed tired and confused as to what she was having trouble on.

She stared at him. "I don't know!"

He opened his skeletal mouth. They spoke in unison again. ""Arsonist.""

They stared at each other. It was all he had not to scream with laughter. Valkyrie was too busy trying not to scream with anger to notice his attitude. He seemed more mirthful and less frustrated than he normally would have been.

She glared at him hard. "You have a con woman on the list, right?"

"Yes…"

"The con woman has a name right?"

"Today."

She stared at him, but didn't say anything about that. "Today…"

"Yes."

She glared at the ceiling thinking hard. If Skulduggery had a tongue, it would have been in his cheek right then. He could tell she was nearing the break thought. He held back a snicker. Either a break through or a break down.

"Today lies, and Tomorrow forges?"

He viciously held back another snicker as he spoke. "Now, you have got it."

She stared at him. "Got it? All we have is a couple of _days_ on the shitty list!" She took a deep, deep breath. Skulduggery almost felt sorry for her, but then he remember her stepping on his hat during their last case and all sympathy vanished. He also remember stealing his head and drawing a mustache on it. Oh yes, she deserved this.

She sighed. "You, know, I'm a pretty good actress. I could be a con woman."

"Really, now?"

"Yeah. So let's say I'm this con woman. All the criminals on the list are working together to pull off a heist. I get an invite to this wealthy dude's party. My invite was forged by Tomorrow. They distract the host of the party so Who can kill the guards that were guarding the host's collection of valuable. What picks the lock of the of the safe, and Why sneaks in afterwards and steals all the jewelry. They all escape and I Don't Know burns the place down to remove evidence. Because later writes a speech on how criminals should not be harassed because of things they can't help but do."

Skulduggery tilted his head in a smile. Despite all the problems that they had gone through, he was proud that she had solved this mini mystery. "That is the first thing you have said right this whole time."

She stared at him in incredulity. "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M BLOODY TALKING ABOUT YOU SKELETAL IMBECILE!"

He wished that he had the ability to lift his eyebrow. Oh how he wished he had eyebrows. "Really? Interesting, that you finally were able to admit that you were ignorant of something…that doesn't usually happen." He couldn't conceal all the mirth from his voice. Her face got deep red. With rage or embarrassment, he didn't know, perhaps both.

She was about to scream at him when she froze. _Who is the murderer? Who is…IS…_ IS AS IN A STATEMENT. Her eyes widened and then narrowed. _So this was how he planned to get back at me for stealing his head? Oh, boy…he is one dead Dead Man._

Skulduggery took note of her change in emotion and silently started getting up from his chair. He eased over to the window, only to jump away as fire seared his gloved hand.

Her eyes were dangerously sharp. Her voice was low and dark. "So Skulduggery, let's recap what we've learned today. Who is the murderer. What is the burglar. I Don't Know is the arsonist. Why is the jewel thief. Because is the anarchist. Tomorrow is the forger. Today is the con woman. But you know what? I don't care!"

"What was that?" He couldn't believe how well this worked out.

"I said, I DON'T CARE!"

"OH! That's the vampire!" Skulduggery couldn't hold it back. He started howling with laughter.

Valkyrie charged at him with an inhuman scream of rage. He twisted away and dodged all her attack, continue his laughter to whole time. She eventually stopped attacking him. Her face was red with anger.

He chuckled. "My dearest Valkyrie Cain. That has to be the best moment of my entire life! I thank you. I had no idea that a human being could turn into so many shades of purple and red!" He started laughing even more. She screamed obscenities at him in rage, and stormed out of the room. He snickered. Leaning over his desk he pressed 'STOP' on the recording machine.


End file.
